Monday, July 2, 2007

Larry Kilgore

I heard that this guy was going to challenge incumbent Senator Cornyn in the Republican primary, so I was interested in his story and his chances, especially because a much-copied site erroneously asserts that he garnered 40% of the vote in the District 93 Republican primary in 2004. (A quick look at the Tarrant County records for that election shows that he got only 30%, which was 474 total votes.) Evidently though, he did get about 8% of the vote in the Republican gubernatorial primary.

In doing a bit of research, I discovered a strange thing: he's running to the right of Cornyn. In fact, I saw him described as "slightly to the right of Attila the Hun." The first thing I found on his website was this quiz which, after a quick questionnaire, promptly assured me that I was going to hell. And I'm pretty sure it couldn't even see what else I do on the internet, so I found that rather harsh. (I took the quiz again, by the way, claiming that God was pretty forgiving, so I would in fact probably make it to heaven. God's webmaster, who has righteously chosen to eschew the immoral excesses of the heathen language Flash, sternly replied that I was incorrect.) Moving down the page in search of more heartening information on the candidate's platform, I was a bit surprised that he had chosen to display a photo of Nazi officers executing naked Jewish women on the front page of his campaign site. The image is preceded by an incoherent rant (it's actually too short to be a rant, let's call it a brain turd), which I take to imply that we are Nazis for allowing abortion to occur. It's a pretty strong argument, if you think about it.*

Moving on, his issues page lists a few of the Ten Commandments, with extensive biblical citations outlining his theory of jurisprudence. At the bottom of the page, he makes brief mention of a few of his secular, mainstream platform items, such as "Eliminat[ion of the Texas] budget for government indoctrination of children. (public education)" and secession of Texas from the United States. His views on separation of school from state are clearly articulated, but the First Amendment separation of church and state is conspicuously absent. It's a curious philosophy, but again, I think most Texans will see his point that having been forceably indoctrinated with reading, writing, and arithmetic skills is almost as great a travesty as having been born Americans. Am I right?**

His biography page is fairly uninteresting, aside from mentioning that he believes non-believers in Christ go to hell. This explains why the Nazi killings on his first page are doubly cruel, and presumably explains the pro-fetus argument. Unborn babies haven't even had a chance to be baptized; they really deserve a chance go to hell for the sins they inevitably commit by living, rather than for those they inevitably inherit by being conceived (which is when they become alive). It's another solid argument. [Actually, I may be misrepresenting him, as it's unclear whether or not he believes fetuses actively commit sins before exiting the womb. Fortunately, it doesn't much affect their ultimate hell-boundness.]

And finally, his FAQ page sums up his governmental philosophy succinctly:

What do you think of democracy?
Democracy and Terrorism: Two Faces Of The Same Evil.

Say no more. I'll see you in Jesusland.

*i.e., are a raving fucking lunatic asshole.

PS: Luckily, it won't take a Republican to beat Cornyn.